Quiet Mountain Essays; vo.I, no.XI

Copyright,2004

We Must Not Live a Lie

by   
Ayin M. Adams

Are you living whole, wholly, or wholesomely? Or, are you living halfway, living a lie? In order to answer this question with honest appraisal, we should look at our lives and examine where we've been so far, where are we right now, and where are we going.

Now I'm not trying to be self-righteous or biased, or to scare you, because that's just not my way.  I am concerned with the law of a person's being, with how you are living and how I am living.  I am concerned with a person’s human and spiritual growth on a personal level.  For example, if we can grow through challenges instead of merely just going through them we can find meaning in each challenge.

I hope you can remain open-minded, in order to catch some of the enthusiasm in my writing.  You can take what you want and leave the rest, because I'm sure there'll be something for everyone.  I am hopeful that you will be prompted to take the right steps toward the fulfillment of your soul's growth and advancement, steps that will catapult you into a dimension of happiness, peace and well being.

I live beyond what the world tells me is probable and most likely to happen.  I live with a positive attitude of gratitude, nothing can get in the way of my forward movement.  My life is one of growth, expansion, and creative possibilities.

I wear my long braids and know that I am supremely beautiful, whether in Brooklyn, New York or the Hawaiian Islands.  I am black and woman, in tune with the Divine flow and out of step with the world.

My lesbianism allows me to grow in goodness as I pursue great and new ideas for myself, my life, and those whose lives interconnect with mine.  I am committed to my sexuality, as I persist in the face of all negativity.  Whatever negative opinions others hold about my sexual identity are obliterated, erased, and released from my consciousness.

I choose positive movement, which nurtures me as I continue to breathe life into new and  wonderful forms of expressions.  I choose to think the thoughts that create the kind of world I want to live in, and then this world is established in my life.

I am all that I am, in this physical vessel, which houses my spirit.  My freckles, my breasts, my eyes are all a part of the dynamic known as beautiful woman.  I am the sole proprietor of my house.  I do not allow others to rent free space in my head.

When I experience low days, I simply love myself more gently by lounging in spiritual baths, by honoring the sacredness and tenderness of my path, and centering myself holistically.

No one else can fully understand me, or my body.  I can understand myself, just as the next woman can understand herself, and what she believes it means to be woman.  Each woman understands for herself what it means to have or to hold, to lose or to grow, to be too old or too young.  When a part of me hurts, no one feels the pain at the level and depth that I do, just as I don't feel pain at the level and depth that another woman does.  Everyone is an individual, and free to express herself without hesitation, dictation or domination, at her own level of comfort, conviction, and consciousness.

I honor the relationship I have with my body, which tells me when I hurt.  A relationship that tells me when to stop, pay attention, listen, and to feel where the hurt lies; then tells me to heal the hurt, to mend the heart and move on.  I know that I am not alone in experiencing these kinds of feelings, emotions, and sensations.  However,damn it, sometimes I just don't like feeling.

As for speaking out, risking, and sharing insights… I know that to risk is to grow.  I cannot speak for others, I speak for myself and at the same time I am speaking, I hope that I am speaking what others feel and will not say.

I hold within me the power to make or to break, to succeed or to fail, to enjoy good health or to be sick, lonely, and fearful; and each other person holds that same power within him or herself.

And I know this! That as women--black women, white women, Puerto Rican women, Asian women, Mexican women, Hawaiian women, Filipina women, Latina women, Italian women, Native American women, all women in and of life's creation --WE CANNOT LIVE A LIE!

We must not deceive ourselves, we must not con ourselves, we must not manipulate ourselves or be manipulated, we must not hurt ourselves or allow others to hurt us.  We must not people-please, or act like others just because the cliques are doing it, or because so and so says so, and so and so is a great authority.  The greatest authority is within our own minds and within our own hearts.

I cannot look the other way, because the people-pleasers have done just that, or are in the process of doing just that same self-defeating thing.  I have choices and I choose to look above and beyond to a high calling, all searching, always seeking.  My answer lies within the stillness, poise, and confidence of knowing who I am.  I choose this day to serve my higher self for my highest good.

Contributor's Notes...

Ayin M. Adams received her B.A. in Speech and Theatre from Herbert H. Lehman College; her Masters and Ph.d. in Human Services and Metaphysics from the University of Metaphysics in Ventura, CA.  Ayin is a performance-poet, screenwriter and filmmaker; she recently completed two GLBT scripts and will begin shooting in May 2004.  Currently published in "Bum Rush The Page, A Defjampoetry"; "In The Family"; and "Women In The Moon";  Ayin believes writing emotionally weaves bonds of sisterhood, in a world that would kill her if she did not fight with her words, dreams, and her position. You can check out her website at:  www.ayinadams.com/

Clip-art by Grace de Jesus-Sievert; curtesy Isis International-Manila

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Choosing to unconsciously follow others isn't going to get me anywhere.  Little people with little minds eventually lead inconsequential little lives going nowhere but down dark ravines and dead-end streets.  Running to and fro will not validate me, because in the end I throw myself down upon my pillow at night and weep, weeping at not following my heart.  As Shakespeare once said, "To thine own self be true".

I must remain true and authentic.  There is magic in being potent and that is where my bliss lies.  It is as woman.  Women like me dissolve the barriers of Bullshit. Women like me choose to live in the solutions and not in the problems.  I'm not ignoring problems or other people, or that they exist, however they hold no place in my consciousness, and I choose not to give weight to the little negatives.  As a woman of truth, I look toward the light, life, and the truth of my being and my identity; I stand tall, lest I die a cluttered, unfulfilled life.

I, black lesbian woman, stand as gatekeeper.  I stand guard at the gate of my House, and I choose whom I shall and shall not let enter into my sanctuary.  I choose what I will entertain and what I will reject.  And again, I will not allow others to rent free space in my head.  But the choice is always mine, not the masses, or the people in authority, or persons with degrees of higher education with little letters capitalized behind their names.

I, being neither servile nor scraping, but humble, stand on my own two black feet and will not live a lie, or look the other way and not be true to myself or acknowledge my feelings.  Dare to challenge the truth of your being!