Quiet Mountain Essays
Copyright ©,2004
The Question of Motherhood
by
M. Kate McPherson-Hope
It seems that the older I get, or at least the more age reveals itself, the more often complete strangers feel
compelled to ask me the same question after finding out that I'm married. It usually sounds like, "So, do
you have kids?" I'm not even sure how to answer this question anymore, except to simply state, "No, we
don't."
I am continually surprised at the candor of those who have the nerve to pry even deeper and ask, "Are you
planning on having children?" What a personal question!! I'm usually compelled to strike out and tell
these nosy inquirers to mind their own business, but instead I calmly inform them that at this point in
time we are not planning to have children. I also refrain from the addendum to this statement which runs
through my mind - "barring some unintentional conception despite the careful use of birth control."
Now, in the days of widely publicized infertility problems, people even feel the need to ask if there is any
particular "reason" why we're not planning on conceiving.
Parenthood, and especially motherhood, are very popular right now. My husband and I are currently
living in a suburb close to the foothills of the Rocky Mountains in Colorado. This is a beautiful place to
live, however, we are also surrounded by the trappings of suburbia, namely, the routine sight of a young
woman jogging with a stroller. It seems that everyone is baby crazy, and nary a word is spoken about the
pitfalls or pains of parenting, but rather, that it is "the" thing to do. Even our Hollywood media is in
agreement. Motherhood is HOT!
I must admit that I don't entirely agree with the idea of romanticized motherhood sweeping the nation.
This is particularly because I have known a number of women who are seemingly fine with tossing aside
years of education and work experience to do what they deem as "the most important job in the world."
Many of these women are also angrily insisting that this is an empowered choice that they are making,
and that they are NOT housewives (as they were called when I was growing up), but are
STAY-AT-HOME MOMS!
I personally feel that the race to become a full-time mother is partly driven by the lack of satisfying
professions in corporate America; and yes, motherhood is authentic and incredibly important work.
Nevertheless, why aren't men quickly abandoning their careers to do this ever-so-important job? Aren't
feminists in relative agreement that men desire power, and isn't our culture attempting to sell us the idea
that parenting is one of the most powerful things an adult can do? Why aren't men buying into this
message and putting themselves in the position of perhaps earning less income throughout the course of
their careers, in exchange for knowing that they are shaping our future by raising children?
I don't have answers to the these questions, but what concerns me is that they are not asked frequently
enough, especially not in popular media. Nevertheless, I am fortunate to have married a man who is more
than willing to become a full-time, stay-at-home parent should we decide to become parents someday. Still,
as I stated earlier, we don't have a desire to have children at this point in time, and aren't currently
planning on having children in the future. This raises different implications for each of us.
The fact that I, as a woman, have yet to hear my biological clock ticking, and because I question some of
the cultural restrictions placed on motherhood, I am often viewed with the suspicion that I must not like
children and/or don't respect women who are full-time mothers. My husband, on the other hand, is rarely
treated with suspicion and for the most part, is left alone. There is an inherent expectation that I should
want to have children. Is this the role I was born to inhabit? Are all women meant to be mothers? I
think not. I think that some women know that they want to become a mother, and don't question this
desire. I also believe that some women, like myself, are perhaps channeling their desire to "give birth" by
"nurturing" other aspects of their lives, such as in the arts, other meaningful relationships, and
spirituality. I happen to believe that the same holds true for men in regard to their instincts to nurture
and sustain life in various ways.
Admittedly, perhaps I am also a little frightened of the whole idea of motherhood today. Maybe I am in
agreement with those whom, after years of trying, have stated that women can't "have it all" in terms of
career, family, and personal fulfillment. I tend to agree with these voices. I don't believe that women can
"do it all". At least not without help. Women need equally committed partners to help them fulfill each
facet of their lives so that they can feel like complete human beings, and are not solely defined by the roles
of "wife and mother" or "career woman." These roles should not symbolize oppositional dichotomies, but
should reflect different aspects of one whole person (in addition to roles such as artist, spiritual/religious
person, etc.). More fuss needs to be made of encouraging equal participation of fathers and the real option
of men working as full-time dads to help alleviate the polarization of women's roles.
In our North American culture, we continue to accept too many gendered stereotypes for parents. Perhaps
women are tired of fighting over them or even talking about them. Perhaps traditional religious ideologies
propose that women are first and foremost meant to be mothers, and many women are afraid to question
these mandates. Perhaps women's families withhold approval if they don't become mothers and continue
the family lines and traditions. However, now is not the time for women to refrain from questioning
cultural expectations, nor should they dispose of various aspects of their authentic selves, no matter how
often they are told that falling in line with tradition is their "empowered" decision.
I suppose that if my husband and I don't have children, we will seem like quite a strange couple in our
later years. Most people will assume that we married late, or could not have children. Regardless, I can
handle scrutiny over my decision to not become a mother, if women who are contemplating motherhood
or are already inhabiting this role remain conscious of their choice and cultural expectations surrounding
it. Only then will motherhood become the empowered role that it is meant to be.
Contributor's Notes...
M. Kate McPherson-Hope lives in Littleton, Colorado with her husband and their two cats. Kate
graduated from Harvard Divinity School in 2003 with a Master of Theological Studies, where she
pursued a feminist study of religion and theology. Kate has previously published two poems.
This is her first published essay.
